The Search for a Soul

Yes, yes. It's been a while since last I posted. You see, I actually have been attempting to write an article about what I call the "Disney Princess Complex" and a small history of feminism throughout the classic Disney movies. I started it three times and deleted everything I wrote. It was such a yawnfest that I've decided to move on.

I wonder about this here blog. I wonder about this here life. What the hell am I doing? Where am I going? What did I want to be when I grew up? At 27, am I grown up? I know that these questions are useless, but can I live without them? Can I exist without doubt? I've had every job under the cliché sun. I've worked on a farm. I've worked as a waiter/bartender/cocktailer. I've been a community organizer and activist. I was an actor in New York. I was an improv comedian in Los Angeles. I've taught a workshop at Princeton. I've been a personal assistant. I've been a secretary. I've worked as a concierge manager. I've produced online video content. I've edited reels and trailers for documentaries. I worked at a historical society. I've written a lot - but what the hell am I doing now? And what should I do next?

And there is also a shocking reality, that I am learning to come to terms with, that life doesn't always work out. And it seems that we have little control of what happens, what comes up, and where things end up. So why all the questions? Why all the soul searching?

Don't get me wrong, I'm a happy, fun-loving guy. I've got some great things going for me. I'm madly in love. But even at my happiest moments, I can't seem escape the goddamn questions. Can anyone? If so, please send some advice right away.

And then I look at some examples:

My mom, whom I greatly admire, has had quite a bizarre career path. After high school she went straight into the Army where she met my dad. I remember when I was young and she was getting her college degree. I remember when she worked at Mrs. Fields cookie company in the mall and when she started her own small business as a photographer. Years later, she's now a Dean at one of the best boarding schools in the world and she spends her free time working on a house that she and my dad built together that they call their "Little Piece of Heaven". Life is by it's nature unexpected, turbulent, and awesome.  

So why not just be happy, Riff Raff? Why all of the questions?

A friend recently told me that a major shift happens between the ages of 27 and 29. Before that, we look AT the world. We see the challenge and we, or at least I, ran towards it headstrong and confident. After 27/29, the moons of Saturn shift or something something something and we see ourselves IN the world. We are amidst the challenge and we strive to deal with our existence. 

Or perhaps she's wrong. Perhaps we're all free-falling. Perhaps the moons don't matter. Perhaps there is no God. Perhaps we just live until we die and perhaps there is no such thing as a soul. Perhaps it's all coincidence. Perhaps we're wrong about morality, about judgement, and about everything. 

Or perhaps we're on this road for a reason. Perhaps our destiny awaits. I suppose we choose our reality. We perceive our life and all we have is our perception. We choose a path or a path chooses us but we cannot foresee the outcome. 

Enough of this soul-searching. It's silly. 

Or is it?